Things you should know about cats, the Essential Answers to Questions Every Cat Servant Has (but is afraid to ask).
1. The center of the universe revolves around a cat. Now, which cat is an interesting question, since each cat things it is he or she who is the center of the universe…
2. You do know how many cats it takes to screw in a light bulb, don’t you? That’s right: none. They have servants for that sort of thing.
3. Cats are soft, cuddly creatures with teeth and claws. Kinda like if miniature sharks were to gr0w fur and legs.
4. No, I do NOT want to play with your mouse!
5. Cats hate being laughed at. Especially when caught doing something clumsily.
6. If your cat likes being bathed, check carefully. You may just have a genius of a longhair chihuahua (that is to say, has a brain at all) masquerading as a cat (the better to ambush your ankles).
7. Are you allergic to your cat? Well, I hate to tell you, but you’re probably not. You’re probably allergic to your cat’s spit. Not that your cat cares.
8. Some cats really do believe they’ll reach China if they dig long enough in the litterbox. And they may very well be right. Lesser life forms should keep their opinions to themselves.
9. Ever see a 20 pound tomcat beat the snot out of two 85 pound German Shepherds? And then taunt them from the top of a wall? A sight to behold… and a warning to presumtuous servants.
10. Cat’s don’t really have nine lives. They are members of an advanced alien species that has mastered cloning…
11. Cats have claws for a reason. Giving you a “lap massage” ain’t one of ’em. (The kneading stuff is OK in some regions, but ya really do need to draw the line on claws around certain portions of the old anatomy, eh?)
12. Yes, they really do move the furniture in the middle of the night. And laugh at us when we bark our shins.
13. Change your computer password. You cat knows what it is and has access to your credit cards while you sleep. Just sayin’.
Noted at the Thursday Thirteen Hub and at Diane’s Stuff.
