Day: October 14, 2005

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Signs of life

Well bumfuzzle me and call me a twapsidoodle…

“Warning: Don’t ever change a value in the registry. Ever. We know we just told you to do that, but would you jump off a cliff if we told you to? Don’t ever change a value in the registry. Don’t even say the word registry. We know a guy once who said the word registry, and three days later he was hit by a bus. True story. As a matter of fact, you shouldn’t even have a registry on your computer. If you suspect that you do have a registry on your computer, call us and a trained professional will be dispatched to your office to remove the registry immediately. If you accidentally touch the registry, wash your hands with soap and water and call a doctor. Do not swallow the registry or get it in your eyes!”

Where in the world did that come from? you ask. (Of course you do.)

Here.

Will wonders never cease? Life. At Microsoft.

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Understanding the Anti-/Pro-Miers Demographics

heh
This Opinion Journal “Letter to the Editor” is deliciously insightful. (h.t. Jerry Pournelle reader/contributor, Rod Schaffter)
How can you tell if a conservative is pro- or anti-Miers? Based on my conversations with conservative friends this week, here’s a good rule of thumb. Ask the conservative to define the following words or phrases and see what he says.
“Blackberry”
Anti-Miers: A handheld device that allows you to get e-mail and access the Internet. The biggest problem is when the battery runs low. You solve the problem by carrying a charger.
Pro-Miers: A delicious berry that you find in the woods. The biggest problem is that bears love them too. You solve that problem by carrying a .44 Magnum.
“Friends”
Anti-Miers: A popular TV show that looked at cultural and sexual mores.
Pro-Miers: People you invite over to your house
“$20 Snifter of Cognac”
Anti-Miers: Not a bad price for a great brandy at a nice bar.
Pro-Miers: An outrageous price for a drink. Where we people live, you can get a two-pound T-bone steak dinner and a drink for $20.
“Meet the Press”
Anti-Miers: Must-see TV.
Pro-Miers: We are too busy going to church. Besides, who really cares what they say?
“December”
Anti-Miers: A period of increased cultural sensitivity when you have to wish people a “Happy Holiday” instead of “Merry Christmas” for fear of offending them.
Pro-Miers: Merry Christmas!
“A List”
Anti-Miers: The type of party you want to be invited to.
Pro-Miers: What you don’t want to get from your wife on Saturday morning.
“Assault Weapons”
Anti-Miers: A class of weapons that anti-Miers conservatives use in their legal arguments concerning the meaning and extent of the Second Amendment. Although anti Miers conservatives favor the ownership of assault weapons, they probably have never touched or fired one.
Pro-Miers: A nice varmint gun, although it doesn’t have enough range or accuracy to shoot wary prairie dogs. They aren’t as good as Dad’s old M1 Garand.
“Democracy”
Anti-Miers: A Broadway play.
Pro-Miers: One of the things that makes America great.
“Antonin Scalia”
Anti-Miers: A brilliant legal scholar with libertarian tendencies. A good Supreme Court justice.
Pro-Miers: Who? Oh, the guy who hunts with the vice president and belongs to a gun club in Virginia. A good Supreme Court justice.
“The Buzz”
Anti-Miers: What “everybody who is anybody” is talking about.
Pro-Miers: What hornets, bees, wasps and yellow jackets do.
“Hunting”
Anti-Miers: A method for thinning wildlife populations that allows a rural American tradition to continue.
Pro-Miers: A chance to get together with some friends on a weekend and have a good time. We never let the hunting get in the way of having fun, however.
“Cowboy”
Anti-Miers: A metaphor for the American tendency to act aggressively. What makes America a great power.
Pro-Miers: The guy we see at the diner, who works on a ranch or travels the rodeo circuit. A term that is rarely applied, and when it is, is a compliment.
“John Deere”
Anti-Miers: A riding lawn mower.
Pro-Miers: A tractor.
“Paris Hilton”
Anti-Miers: A cultural icon.
Pro-Miers: A hotel in France. Although I wouldn’t know, because why would I want to go to Paris on vacation when I can go camping?
“Big Bore”
Anti-Miers: A person who corners you at an A List cocktail party.
Pro-Miers: A rifle that you need for hunting elephant or cape buffalo.
A lot of that sounds uncomfortably close… heh
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Fiendishly clever…

Precision Guided Humor Assignment from The Alliance of Free Blogs: Devise a “better” strategic plan for Al-Qaeda.

Ah, this is a fiendishly clever assignment… on the one hand, it’d be easy to devise a plan that would yield success for Al-Qaeda by 2008 or 2009. On the other hand, devising a plan that would sucker Al-Qaeda into thinking they’d achieved success while simply miring them further in defeat is a different critter.

Let’s just address the easy one. I think they already have the other one covered.

Train all Al-Qaeda operatives to say “No hablo Ingles” in convincing Mexican accents. (OK, that part may be hard; after all, we’re not talking about people who approach WalMart class intellects, here.) Send them over the border with Mexico along with the Great Tide of La Raza and get ’em settled in with full welfare benefits, as registered Democraps, etc. Heck, multi-register to vote under multiple variations of MoHAMedic names honoring their woo-hoo moon god or whatever.

Bingo! Instant landslide for Billary and the “defeat America” crowd hosted by the Democrapic Party, Mooooveon.orgy, the Demoncrapic Untermensch, The Anti Constitutional Lawyers Union, et al. The Republicants can be driven from the land; churches closed; TV, Hollyweird and the RIAA closed down (OK, so the news wouldn’t be all bad); Islamic “jurisprudence” put in place.  The whole megilla.

It. Could. Work!

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Oh! The horror! The horror!

“That was the hardest day of my life,” wrote 10-year-old Pinky from Deltona, Fla. “I felt like I was missing my arm. I never want to do that again. Please do not ask me to do that again.”_*_

What was this horrible experience, this horrific event that quite possibly scarred poor, dear Pinky for life?

Pinky—along with 32 other “teens and tweens”—was a part of an experiment that deprived children of their cell phones for a period of 24 hours._1_

Puh-lease! Unhook these drogue-heads before it’s too late! Surgically remove their phones, if necessary…

h.t. Jerry Pournelle