The third world county “So, maybe they’re commandments and maybe not” of blogging

Ya wanna make something of it?

Sam, at The Crazy Rants of Samantha Burns has offered Sam’s 10 Commandments Of Blogging, Angel, of Woman Honor Thyself has a thoughtful piece up about blogging, Can Anyone Write a Blog?, and lady Diane has posts and tons of comments about her woes blogging (hosting, servers, wonky reloads, etc.). so I figure it’s that time of year again, you know, when posts about blogging are in the air, like pollen.

So here goes, my own ten not-quite-commandments, more like “get-a-clues” about blogging. Something for everyone in here—the good, the bad and the execrably ugly—somewhere, although the ones for truly bad bloggers will never be seen, I trust, cos by now I think I’ve run most of them off screaming, to weep and wail and gnash their teeth in outer darkness. Or the upper reaches of TTLB’s inbred blog-game. Close.

10. Thou shalt not offend the dumbass chattering boobies by allowing offensive comments on thy blog¹. Practice safe commenting on your blog. These days, you never know when someone will accuse you of warping a rare vinyl of Pink Floyd by allowing a dangerous, seditious or truly weird comment on your blog. I suggest posting this disclaimer at the ehader of your comments section:

Look, you guys: I am NOT, repeat NOT responsible for what some asshat says in comments. If, repeat IF I have the time, energy and brainpower after a day that has turned my brain to mush, I MIGHT be able to read through and comprehend alla the comments posted. IF, repeat IF I find something in comments that IN MY OPINION is plainly slanderous, seditious
or otherwise dangerous, exceptionally stupid or destructive or harmful, I’ll probably delete it. I may make fun of it or slash it to ribbons with my own (opinion) commentary. If YOU find something in comments that YOU opine is plainly slanderous, seditious or otherwise dangerous, exceptionally stupid or destructive or harmful, PLEASE let me know via email and I’ll TRY to have the time, energy and mental wherewithal to deal
with it.

But I can make no promises. I’m only human and will do my best. There are plainly too many loons out there for me to police everything, so CUT ME SOME SLACK. It’s only a blog, for heaven’s sake!

heh

9. Thou shalt not be a bandwidth hog. What’s with alla the separate, simultaeously-loading videos?!?!? Do I have to come over there and whack you with a cluebat? [Update for the clueless: if your blog takes more than 30 seconds to load on my 4mbs-download broadband, You ARE the Weakest Link, bu-bye!]

8. Thou shalt not format thy pages with the express purpose of torturing hapless folk who stumble across thy worthless blog. My eyes! My eyes! Arrrrgggghhhh! Red text on a black background is not cool; it’s torture. STOP IT! And microscopic fonts don’t mean you can fit more content on your page. They only mean I’m gonna flame you and leave.

7. Thou shalt offer CONTENT. Something beyond in-gossip among thy illiterate readership. Oh, goodie. You have a buncha illiterate groupies who litter your comments section with nonsense cos you stroke their UNjustifiably positive self-images with lackluster (or ZERO) content. Good for you; now go away.

6. Thou shalt not suck up to thy readership, as the asshats who disobey Commandment #7 do. Enjoy the readers who comment and stretch your mind, whether they agree or disagree. Roast the asshats over a slow flame. But whatever your do, speak with YOUR voice, not just in words and tone that are attempts to please your supposed readership.

5. To thine own self be true, and it must follow as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man. Some dead white guy said that in a play once*, and it needs to be tattooed on the forehead of every blogger, IMO. Backwards, so they can read it in the mirror every morning.

4. Thou shalt link to everone thou dost quote or otherwise steal from. Otherwise, messengers from the U.S. Copyright Office and the minor demi-gods demagogues of the blogosphere shall smite thee in thine ass. And rightly so.

3. Likewise, Thou shalt give hat tips to anyone who steers thine eye to a juicy morsel of blogfodder. What? It’s too much trouble? Then expect that what goes around will surely come around… and smite thee in thine ass (and thine ass shall surely get sore, welts shall become infected and thy ass shall fall off and thou shalt no longer be able to sit at thine chair and blog, so there!).

2. Who dost thou think thou art? What is thine opinion that the demi-gods demagogues of the blogosphere should consider thine importunings and whines and bleats and wails for attention? Get thine own traffic, for heavens sake! Treat other bloggers as you would wish to be treated and while you might never have the ga-ga Michelle Malkin has, neither are you as hot looking. So? Who ever told you life was fair or that you deserve to rise in the blogosphere or that a six-figure income from blogging was in your future? Get real.

And finally, the number one third world county “not-quite-a-commandment” of blogging is…

1. Lighten up thyself. Consider the lillies of the field (Oops, a little rabbit trail there… ). Take not thyself so seriously. For heaven’s sake; it’s just a blog. Get over it and just have fun, be yourself and talk about whatever interests you in your own inimitable way. You are not, repeat NOT going to change the world, make millions of dollars, grow back your hair (you know who you are!), end the scourge of acne, get the Mets in the Series or create world peace with your blog. At most, you may positively affect the lives of a few people. That’s enough. Be satisfied with what you can do.

So, as I said, something for the good, the bad and the execrably ugly among bloggers. Pick the shoe that fits.

Bonus “not-quite-a-commandment”—

Thou shalt take blogging commandments, no matter their source, with a grain of salt. One size does not fit all. And besides, who am I to tell YOU about blogging? YOU should be telling ME what’s what, right?

*LOL*

¹Just kidding, of course; offend all the dumbass chattering boobies you want. In fact, view it as your raison d’être, if you wish, to offend dumbass chattering boobies. Fine by me.

Bringing the tablets down from the mountain at Don Surber’s and Diane’s Stuff.

UPDATE: for those of you clamoring for more on this topic (OK, the ONE of y’all clamoring for more–heh), here’s an excerpt from my comment on Sam’s 10 Commandments. Enjoy. Or not. your choice.

I really think there are too many folks blogging who take it (and themselves) much too seriously, specially those whose content sucks dead bunnies through a straw and pontificate about all their wonderful traffic of dumbass groupies who have found a likeminded idiot to affirm their worth.

(No, I am NOT talking about anyone on your blogrolls. Am not. Nuh-uh, no way. :-))

There are more than a few of those out there taking their crap blogs way too seriously.

I KNOW third world county is just a place where I can let the voices in my head out to rant and scream, wonder and ponder, pontificate and polemicize, laugh and ridicule, and just have a plain old good time… Some folks like that kind of content and come back for more abuse. Fine by me, but I don’t take myself seriously.